Haven’t we all…?
Firstly…
I am no expert on feminism, I am however, a woman; which gives me some authority to speak on the subject. I am very aware that women have it better now than ever before, but until they have it as good as their male counterparts, it’s worth discussing.
It’s also worth noting that sexism goes both ways, which often women don’t like to acknowledge or even don’t see happening. We can’t advocate for change towards gender equality while retaining sexist expectations of men. Yes, men have certain physiological traits that women don’t, and where that is relevant they may be better suited to some things; but firstly, not all men and women are of the stereotypical build; and secondly, just because they may find certain tasks easier, doesn’t mean they should be expected to do them.
Lastly, the gender equality issue isn’t limited to men and women. There are many individuals who identify differently and who also experience daily struggles. However, I don’t feel I am entitled to speak for them. There is nothing more frustrating than someone beyond your circumstance speaking on your behalf about things they cannot understand, that is why I am focussing on the female perspective. To that end, I am speaking of my experience, not on behalf of ‘all women’.
Gender Equality: a situation in which access to rights or opportunities is unaffected by gender.
Oxford Languages
My experience
The first time I noticed sexism in the workplace, has to be when I was managing a coffee shop. I was 19 and by far the most capable of my colleagues, considering the high staff turnover. I was dealing with a (male) unhappy customer, who said,”I want to speak to the manager, where is he?”. Slightly flabbergasted, I explained that I was the manager… In my inexperience and lack of self assurance, I eventually conceded and got him on the phone to the (male) area manager.
Now, I was used to pig headed customers… Anyone who works in retail has dealt with them. What really got to me about this interaction was the conversation I had with the area manager. I truly expected outrage… but he wasn’t at all phased by my request that he take the call and if anything seemed to sympathise with the customer!
I am lucky to now work in a forward thinking environment where gender equality is an important part of the organisation’s key values. Day to day, I can’t say I experience obvious inequality due to my gender, I have been able to progress through the management structure and build a professional reputation.
However, there have been occasions where I have questioned, “would I be expected to do this if I were a man?”. Most commonly, justifying my views. I have become adept in researching and backing up my views with hard evidence before voicing them, a skill worth having; but I can’t help but think I developed this skill as a result of not being taken as seriously as my male counterparts.
In a previous role, I worked in a compliance capacity, in other words no one’s favourite person! I had to sit infront of what was typically a group of men (external industry typical) and assert myself. Let’s not pretend that isn’t intimidating… But I grew into the role and became well practised. What I find interesting is that in the process of fine-tuning this skill, I wasn’t changing the words I used or the content of the conversation. I was changing myself…
- My outfit: Never wanting to look too feminine, but also not trying to hard to be masculine
- My tone: Making sure to maintain a solid tone of voice, high pitches would undermine me
- My body language: Avoiding typically feminine traits like hair touching
- My presence: Making sure to never become agitated, for fear of losing all credibility
I taught myself all of this, my mentor was male, a great mentor too. But he was free to sit how he wanted, figit, become agitated, raise his voice and all of this seemed to get him taken MORE seriously?
So, what can we do?
I often think one of the most important things we can do to tackle gender inequality is to call it out when we see it. Literally say, “would you ask me that if I were a man?”. But it is a catch 22… Because that is ‘aggressive’, ‘touchy’ or ‘OTT’.
Women are trying to make a career in a man’s world, so to make a spectacle of your self in the name of gender equality is potentially detrimental to that career. This is why I don’t call myself a feminist, because I simply don’t ‘have the balls’ (a sexist phrase in itself).
But what I can and do try to do is model the behaviour I want to see. A few examples:
- Don’t expect any special treatment from men, no doors to be opened, no boxes to be lifted
- Empower women, where I see a woman thriving and generally kicking arse, I tell her and I tell others. That said I do the same for male colleagues…
- Call out behaviour where it is ‘safe’ to do so, with friends, family and within established working relationships
- Talk about it, even an overheard conversation might trigger a thought in someone else
Thanks for reading! Your thoughts are welcome 😁
What are your experiences? Views from all genders are welcome and more interesting!
Further reading:
No Frills 
Interesting perspective. In my experience and career sexism was endemic. I am (much!) older than you and my career was in civil engineering at a time when women were not common place on construction sites.
What I learnt and was absolutely passionate about was that women could bring a lot to the table particularly where negotiation skills were required with difficult clients or work colleagues. It was simply my job to convince the “old guard” of this fact. It is true… to get on, I didn’t need to be equal to my male colleagues – I needed to be better than them to gain their trust/confidence. And TBH although I was known as a “dragon” who didn’t suffer fools gladly, I know for sure, there were times when I also called on my natural attributes as a woman to get the results I wanted. Men have much bigger egos in general than women, sometimes it was easier to play to that fact! What ever the PC brigade say today, the old adage of “men are from Mars women are from Venus” is very true, you cannot change nature and to me it is this fundamental difference between male and female which makes a mixed team more balanced and more successful.
However, what I don’t necessarily agree with is your point on not opening doors nor lifting boxes (and I’m not saying you are wrong… just I don’t agree!) To me, this is not a sexist thing it is purely good manners and a kindness. I am 60 years old now and retired – have things changed in the workplace so much that good manners have been lost? I do note you do say that it is the expectation of this type of thing because of your gender which is wrong rather than the act… To me, good manners apply to everyone, men and women, I’d open a door for a woman or a man and expect the same in return because it is the kind thing to do. I just worry that we have lost sight of important human interactions such as “kindness” in the pursuit of equality.
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